Mindfulness

Some of you might notice, I don't post pictures on instagram as often as before. Lately, it's been hard for me to pose in front of the camera. I still love dressing up, doing make up.. But I don't feel like being photographed unless I have to (e.g: my birthday, work-related). I even try to avoid gatherings because I'm scared of what people will say when they see me. 

Yes, I don't feel at my best these days. I have low self confidence. I know it's been a long time battle with self-love. But because I had a 3 consecutive bad experiences, my confidence who WAS slowly climbing up, fell back straight to the ground in a blink.

It's hard to write all the details, but basically I'm not as skinny as I was last year. I had health problems that forced me to gain body fats in order to recover. I hate to gain weight and to look chubbier. But what can I do? My body is just not meant to be skinny to stay healthy. Of course, health over looks. I don't wanna die young.

But some (or MOST) people, don't know that their actions and words can hurt somebody else. They don't know what I've been thru, yet it's easy for them to comment on my looks. 

Around 2-3 months ago, I had 3 relatives commenting on how fat I am. I tried so hard not to care. But in fact, it's not easy. Even until now, I still want to cry every time I remember those moments. For some of you, it might not be a big deal. But to someone who's conscious on how she looks, it means a lot. 

This year, I've turned into the most introvert mode I've ever been in my life. I really don't want to meet too many people anymore. I avoid meeting those that I haven't met in a long time (because my experiences made me scared to hear what they're gonna comment the moment they see me).

I still make new friends, because they never met me before. They meet me at my 'current' condition, hence I have no burden. I also feel comfortable hanging out with my close friends and my parents. 

I wonder... when will I be able to heal this scar? I wish people will start to be more mindful before they speak/ do something. Everyone has struggles. Everyone has different tolerances. What might be ok for you might not be ok for somebody else. Vice versa.